Rita Skeeter Writes

Hello again, Readers!

Rita Skeeter is back. In my absence, where I’ve been gathering research for my new book Vampire Weekend: “A Night in the Malfoy Manor,” I’ve discovered some truly shocking things.  While I keep the juiciest bits for my book, (on sale for 19 galleons at your local Mage’s Pages,) I’ll let you in on a little Potter Secret.  Albus Potter, the least-known and most mundane of all the Potters, has been hiding a filthy little secret, and no, readers, it’s not his supposed lycanthropy.

Readers, for those of you who have donated to my “Cure the Fur” fund, get ready to demand a refund from Mr. Albus Potter. While the misguided homosexual initially feigned rage and fear at being outed as a victim of a tragic werewolf attack, Rita Skeeter is here to out him as something else: A fake. It seems the Potter have bred yet another deformity in their family tree—Albus isn’t suffering from a little werewolfitis, Readers. No, no. Albus has an untreated hormonal disorder that causes her to sprout copious amounts of body hair during her monthly cycle.  Yes, Readers, Albus Potter is the second Potter daughter, with a bit of an unfortunate condition.

Instead of using the family fund to treat Potter’s complex and life-threatening condition, the stingy Harry Potter , retired hero who’s taken up money laundering in his spare time, refuses to shell out, instead, choosing to disguise Albus (previously named Alma,) as a man. When the disorder worsened and the body hair thickened, sneaky Potter planted the story that his “son” was the victim of a spree of werewolf attacks ripping through the Potter/Weasley family tree.  Convenient, as Albus is known for extreme bouts of moodiness, in which he locks himself away from the world and sulks—but it’s not exactly the “change” the Potters are claiming.

So, Readers, the moral of the story is: Sue the Potters. They’re lying, cheating, greedy remnants of a washed-up hero. And Alma is just the tip of the iceberg, Readers. Stay tuned for more nausea-inducing tales of the Potters’ greed.

Mind your P’s and Q’s.

Yoohoo! Readers!
Let’s cut to the chase.

It’s been a happy holiday indeed for Albus Potter, who has reconciled with lost lover Lysander Scamander. But his efforts weren’t single-handed, readers. Looks like a Mr. Antoine “Tony” Trelawney, great nephew of Sybil Trelawney, dangerous lunatic removed from her post at Hogwarts, helped the two reconcile. But the word on the street is, he didn’t do it out of the goodness of his heart, but for the yearnings of his loins, readers. That’s right. Mr. Trelawney’s got it, and he’s got it bad for Albus, and would rather see him with somebody else than miserable.

But are those feelings one-sided? No, no readers. Albus himself was seen in Tony’s apartment with none other than his sister Lily. The two were seen leaving sticky and winded. Lily Luna sarcastically claimed that Tony had a “grilled-cheese launching trebuchet,” but we all know how incest runs in the family. Tony may be new blood, but he’s joined the party without hesitation.

Lysander was seen leaving the apartment early, however, looking annoyed. Without Albus. Is Lysander, perhaps, not open to the love-triangle Tony and Albus so desperately crave to create?  Lysander and Albus were spotted being hot and heavy at the fiery HHP last weekend, and Tony was nowhere to be found.  Looks like Albus has made his choice, readers.

Speaking of choices, Rose Weasley had a few choice words for Hannah Black, who was caught having an “intimate massage” with Rose’s husband Gilderoy Lockhart. Looks like Lockhart is insatiable, readers. A husband, a wife, his wife’s mother, a best friend’s spouse, and a smoking hot writer with an acid tongue just can’t do it for him. Please, by all means, readers send your personal ads to his estate—He’s sure to need a few more tenants in which to spoof with. Hannah was spotted leaving the estate, without husband, best friend, or new (lackluster) lover.

An update on our favorite incestuous Potter, James, has been spotted in good spirits despite his jilted ex-lover Dominique’s disappearance.  Outcast by her perfectionist family as a squib, the young girl has spoken personally with yours truly once or twice on the subject.

“It’s ironic,” she said, the normally jovial girl reduced to a quiet, cold tone. The lovely young lady is a bit rebellious, not unlike her brother Louis, who has been spotted rebounding like a quaffle gone rogue. The fiance of Oliver Wood, the pill-popping sack of bones sought out James Potter to fight him for stealing the sweet girl’s innocence. “He was angry,” Dominique confirmed, “After all, James ruined me. For life.”

Since then, Dominique’s been rarely seen, too hurt to nest in her twisted family tree. And who else has been missing since his sudden appearance? That’s right, readers, we’ve come full circles. Where has Tony Trelawney been?

Jilted by Albus, and thorned by our own Molly Weasley, the young boy was spotted in St. Mungo’s terminal ward before being carted away. Is it insanity? Illness? An accident due to his masochistic recklessness? You tell me. Any sources close to Tony are urged to come forward. (We suspect Scorpius Malfoy has a hand in Tony’s disappearance, as the young man wasn’t happy at Tony’s attempts to bed his prized lover.) You’d better hide your girls, hide your friends, readers, because Scorpius is jealous of everyone out there. He be climbing up your towers, spying on anyone who’s ever been in a 10-mile radius of his overprotected girlfriend.

Oh, and don’t think we’ve forgotten Mr. Draco Malfoy. According to my most trusted sources, he has been feasting on wives and children alike—In more ways than one.

More on that in the next issue, readers.

For now, enjoy your holidays.

who is expecting a baby with his lovely girlfriend, Martha.

I’d congratulate her directly, but she’s both a muggle and mentally handicapped.  What a blessing, James!

What do you get when you mix Draco Malfoy, a cheating young boy, and a muddled muggle? Three newly single Potter siblings who decided to give each other a go before returning to their counterparts. Well, little Lily and James, at least, not so much Albus, who remains searching for Mr. Right. Or, you know, another Mr. Potter.

When I sat down with little Albus Potter, the youngest of the Potter brothers, he was eager to share with me the good news. James was no longer drinking copiously, Lily had not, in fact, slept with Albus’ ex, Scorpius Malfoy, and he had left Lysander in the dust by joining Molly Weasley in a night on the town, where he hooked up with many faceless, nameless men.

“Draco Malfoy?” Albus said with a coy grin, when I prompted him for answers. (Don’t forget readers, we’ve had our eye on Mr. Malfoy ever since we’ve suspected him of being an adulterer and a pedophile.) Albus confirmed our suspicions. “Yeah. He was the one making out with Lily at Nympho Tonks’ party. Not Scorpy.”  Albus gave me an obvious wink, as he continued. “They slept together, so Cormac dumped her ass.”

But the two got back together when little Lily, who apparently has more up her sleeve than a Barbie doll, convinced him that she was pregnant with his child. Faked miscarriages, Albus ensures, are one of her specialties.

And what’s left for Albus now that he and Lysander are caput?

“Draco’s looking younger lately.” Albus mentions casually with that epithetical wink, taking a sip of his carmel macchiato. “You’d think he had a time turner or something.”

(READERS: Coming soon, Hannah Black, esteemed Charms professor, drives Sirius Black mad as his mother, by leaving him for his best mate, Gilderoy Lockhart. Stay tuned.)